So close yet so far
Damn. I was so close. Missed it by *that* much.
Charlie sees a behavioral councilor every week. He is helping Charlie as an individual and us as a family grow new skills to make sure Bear goes on to realize his full potential. We had an amazing session today. Charlie had a couple of rough events at school this week dealing with a fellow students negative behavior. He dug through these two events and really expressed how he felt, moment by moment, and in many cases linked those feelings to his behavior.
This type of emotional awareness is rare amongst adults. I am beyond proud of Charlie for growing to the point of such incredible articulation. I hope we can continue to reach these heights.
Back to my opening statement. The day the worse of the two events happened, Charlie told me about it. I asked some basic “fact” questions. What I needed to do was ask “feelings” questions. I would have found out more facts of his day, but more importantly, I would have better understood what his experience in those moments was. I would have found out he was still sad, still effected, and probably needed my help recovering.
In the therapy session he had a lot of strong emotions that came out, things he needed to work through. He did a great job of keeping his behavior constructive at school but never resolved the emotions of that moment. I got so close to doing real solid parenting, I almost put the right support in place. I thought I had things locked down tight, taking a genuine concern and giving space for my child to feel safe to talk.
It’s the nuances though that can really separate the “good” from the “great”. Learning from watching the councilors interaction today was eye opening, like watching a skilled painter work a brush. He used open ended questions about emotions to guide the space we were in and then helped Charlie keep linking those feelings to actions. I had only a day before talked about the same events and was blown away by how much more effective this professionals approach was.
So there we are: my new goal. When Charlie tells me about the good and bad of his day, I’m going to take a different approach. I’m not going to ask “what did you do next”, I’m going to ask “how did that make you feel?” and then ask “how did you act on those feelings?” After all, I don’t really care about the cold facts of his world nearly as much as Charlie’s personal experience of those facts.
I think this is an important lesson for my own behavior too. I don’t remember ever being taught that there is a link between emotion, cognition and behavior. I’ve sort of rooted out some details to that effect, but I can see now that it is a healthy practice to ask myself these questions:
“How did that make me feel?”
“How did those feelings effect my thoughts?”
“How did those feelings and thoughts effect my words and actions?”
I’m sure there are more to add, but even those basics are more of a conversation starter than a rigid map.
Charlie sees a behavioral councilor every week. He is helping Charlie as an individual and us as a family grow new skills to make sure Bear goes on to realize his full potential. We had an amazing session today. Charlie had a couple of rough events at school this week dealing with a fellow students negative behavior. He dug through these two events and really expressed how he felt, moment by moment, and in many cases linked those feelings to his behavior.
This type of emotional awareness is rare amongst adults. I am beyond proud of Charlie for growing to the point of such incredible articulation. I hope we can continue to reach these heights.
Back to my opening statement. The day the worse of the two events happened, Charlie told me about it. I asked some basic “fact” questions. What I needed to do was ask “feelings” questions. I would have found out more facts of his day, but more importantly, I would have better understood what his experience in those moments was. I would have found out he was still sad, still effected, and probably needed my help recovering.
In the therapy session he had a lot of strong emotions that came out, things he needed to work through. He did a great job of keeping his behavior constructive at school but never resolved the emotions of that moment. I got so close to doing real solid parenting, I almost put the right support in place. I thought I had things locked down tight, taking a genuine concern and giving space for my child to feel safe to talk.
It’s the nuances though that can really separate the “good” from the “great”. Learning from watching the councilors interaction today was eye opening, like watching a skilled painter work a brush. He used open ended questions about emotions to guide the space we were in and then helped Charlie keep linking those feelings to actions. I had only a day before talked about the same events and was blown away by how much more effective this professionals approach was.
So there we are: my new goal. When Charlie tells me about the good and bad of his day, I’m going to take a different approach. I’m not going to ask “what did you do next”, I’m going to ask “how did that make you feel?” and then ask “how did you act on those feelings?” After all, I don’t really care about the cold facts of his world nearly as much as Charlie’s personal experience of those facts.
I think this is an important lesson for my own behavior too. I don’t remember ever being taught that there is a link between emotion, cognition and behavior. I’ve sort of rooted out some details to that effect, but I can see now that it is a healthy practice to ask myself these questions:
“How did that make me feel?”
“How did those feelings effect my thoughts?”
“How did those feelings and thoughts effect my words and actions?”
I’m sure there are more to add, but even those basics are more of a conversation starter than a rigid map.